Saturday, November 30, 2019

The Socially Awkward Excuse

A topic that came up elsewhere as we were discussing grooming behaviors in certain sorts of predators or domestic violence situations... the "Socially Awkward" excuse for creepy or predatory behavior. Some predators out there will certainly use the "it was just a misunderstanding" line to minimize and excuse there behavior.
I think a key distinguishing line between real awkwardness and boundary shifting/grooming is how the person reacts to confrontation. A really socially awkward person is going to be embarassed, equally uncomfortable as their unintended victim, and make a genuine attempt to adjust their behavior -- or there's going to be a real persistent pattern that supports that they just don't grok normal behavior. Think about someone on the autism spectrum who just can't figure out what's going on; their off-notes are in multiple areas, not just inappropriate touches, for example. Or if there's a cultural issue, it's again going to be persistent across different areas -- not just creepy eye contact or "compliments."
The creep? They'll be aggressively defensive as they fall back on the social awkward excuse -- and blame their victim for not understanding. And the behaviors are all going to be in things like inappropriate touches, "compliments" that aren't, etc. All in that ONE particular area -- sex.
Here's a good article on it...

Friday, March 22, 2019


It's interesting how concepts pop up at similar times in a lot of places... and the benefit of failure is one that I've seen come up again and again over the last several months.

Failure is a good thing!  Sounds kind of oxymoronic, huh?  How can failure be a good thing?

We learn from failure -- not success.  Successes can reinforce, they can build confidence... but we don't learn from success.  After all, to succeed, we have to already be capable of the skill or concept.  To learn it -- we have to fail.  Failure occurs when we move beyond our comfort, beyond the easy...  when we do something that we can't do -- YET.

If you're trying to get stronger -- you have to move weights (body or iron, doesn't matter) that you can't move easily, and that means you must sometimes fail.  Maybe it's doing another push-up than you did yesterday, another rep on the bench press, or 5 more pounds in your squat.  Maybe it's running that mile a little faster, doing another 10 punches...  You have to move out of that comfort zone, or there's no growth. 

One of our more regular exercises in class is punching x-ray paper; it's an exercise to assess the correctness of the punch, and probably a worthy topic on it's own.  We allow students several practice attempts, then the "final round" is sort of pass/fail: do a bad punch, and you do some push-ups.  That fear of failure is a pressure, and we have to put artificial pressures on people so that they can handle real pressures.  Lots of students find a punch they can do well... and they coast.  That's their "go to" for the exercise.  But, every once in a while, a student decides to develop a different punch. That means that they're going to drop for some push-ups as they practice and develop it... because they will fail some.  In time, though, they'll perfect that punch... if they accept the failures.

So... go out, try new things... and be willing to fail.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Training Standards

I’ve been a fan of Marc MacYoung for a while.  He’s someone who’s been there, got the t-shirt, and actually bothers to think about violence and self defense.  He’s a former bouncer, a court recognized expert on self defense and violence, and instructor in both communications and martial arts/self defense.  I’m currently reading one of his newer books, What You Don’t Know Can Kill You: How most self defense training will put you into prison or the ground, written with Jenna Meeks.
In it, they quote Martin Cooper, a retired UK police officer and security consultant.  I really like the definition of “winning” in a self defense situation presented:
  • You must be be able to act,
  • You must stop the attacker,
  • You must be cleared of all charges,
  • You must “win” in civil court,
  • You must be able to emotionally handle the aftermath.

This is what these criteria mean to me -- in brief.

Able to act:  All the techniques in the world are useless to you if you can’t use them in the real world.  As my teacher Joe Manley would say “It’s not what you can think of -- it’s what you can think of IN TIME.”  You have to practice and train in a way that will let you apply those skills under pressure, in the real world.

Stop the attacker:  If the techniques aren’t effective in ending the attack, they’re no good.  This is why so many people say martial arts don’t work in the street…  They don’t do the job.  They’ve practiced missing, they’ve listened to “lies to children” that say that a shot to the nose or groin will stop an attacker, that they skills are ‘too deadly to compete with…”  

Cleared of all charges: If you defend yourself successfully, especially if you’ve hurt someone badly, there’s a good chance that the police may file charges on you.  You need to understand the laws and rules of the use of force where you live and travel and spend time so that your use of force is reasonable and appropriate, and so that you can articulate that to the police (at an appropriate time and place) and in the courtroom. Soundbites aren’t enough; saying “I was in fear for my life” is useless if that fear isn’t reasonable…  Another of Grandmaster Manley’s teachings comes to mind…  “By the time a fool learns the rules, the players have left the field.”  You just might want someone (an attorney) on your side who knows the rules…  well. In fact, a conversation or training on the legal issues BEFORE you need to protect yourself is even smarter...

Win in civil court:  Guess what?  It doesn’t end if the criminal charges are dismissed (or even better, never filed…) -- you can still face a civil trial.  And the rules are different… so what you do when you defend yourself needs to meet those standards, too…

Handle the emotional aftermath:  Being the victim of a violent attack leaves marks -- physically and emotionally.  The ER can stitch up the cuts and bandage the scrapes… but the emotional impact of defending yourself -- especially if you’ve done serious harm to your assailant -- can be a lot harder to cope with.  The stress of dealing with police and courts doesn’t help, either.  But you can learn things that you can be ready to use to help you cope more successfully… and you can get help.

There are other ways to measure success in self defense -- but what I like about this approach is that it deals with both the moment of self defense, and what follows.